Every year as I ponder the final hours of Jesus’ life something new grabs my attention. Wednesday’s suggested reading from John 13:22 is it today:
“The disciples looked at one another, uncertain of whom he was speaking.”
Jesus has announced someone at the table will betray him. But he does not name him. How could they not know? How could you be uncertain about this???
Because I am, too. Each day I arise, determined to follow Jesus. Some days that following seems natural and freeing. Others it pains me. It overwhelms me. It defeats me. The burden of following. I feel it. The uncertainty that plagued their minds haunts mine, too.
If I can’t imagine myself betraying Jesus as Judas did… if I cannot conceive of the kind of insistent denial that Peter did… I am lying to myself and to God and to the Christ who calls me to follow him.
My uncertainty however is mine. Like the twelve – perhaps all of whom wondered if the things they had thought, the actions they contemplated, were what Jesus had seen coming – I am uncertain of my response to the coming challenge of following.
What I am certain, however, is of the One whom I follow. He is as certain as I am uncertain. His faithfulness if as sure as mine is not. And perhaps that is the point.